Red Cardinal

Financial insecurity

2008-03-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

"It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity..."

My biggest issue, always and still, has been worrying over money. Just when I thought I was doing better I get tested in every way you could imagine. I have been praying lately for God to help me with my patience (I had meant with others around me in the program) but I had no idea the extent of which I would be tested. Sometimes you get more than what you wish for. Today was a REALLY bad day, thank God it's almost over and I can start over now and tomorrow. Sometimes I forget that this is a program which is one day at a time with EVERYTHING in my life, and not just alcohol. He didn't bring me this far just to drop me on my a..s and i have to remember that.

2008-03-06T17:45:00.000-08:00

Someone shared in a meeting tonight an interesting way to look at the first three steps.

1.I can't

2.He can

3.I'll let him

That really hit home for me. Too bad the "I'll let him" had to be learned after being beat into a state of submission, but as with most things in my life, i had to learn the hard way. Giving up my will and my life seemed easy, at least the part of giving up my life anyway. I had been giving my life up to whatever drug i could find or any bottle of liquor i could get my hands on. I had trusted the care of my life to complete strangers driving me around and trusting in them to get me home, sometimes in strange cities on the other side of the country. What was the problem in giving my life up to god then? It was the other part of the sentence that i fought tooth and nail. Giving up my will was the hardest thing i have done in this program. How ridiculous it seems in hindsight because of course my will was always better than what God could do for me right??? All of my plans had worked out so perfectly...

It's good to be able to look back and laugh and it's deffinetly work everyday to not take my will back, so thank god it's progress and not perfection and i can start the day over whenever i want.

Back from vacation

2008-03-01T19:00:00.001-08:00

It's been a while, just got back from vacation, the first sober vacation i've had in YEARS. Kind of nice to sit on the beach without a pounding headache and smelling alcohol on you from the night before. So relaxing to get away from work and everything else and spend time with my fiancee and family. What a 180 life has taken in the last year. Truly blessed. I'm going to post more but for now just wanted to put up some pix we took before i forget. I cant' post anymore from work anymore, so it has to be done in the evenings at home and i usually forget or don't have time.

2008-02-26T20:15:00.001-08:00

2008-01-14T13:43:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I've posted, so much has happened in the last couple of months. I can't really post at work anymore and I'm in the process of moving so i won't have my internet back on at home till next week. I'm at a friends house and since i was online i figured i'd take advantage and post.

I finally got a year sober January 5th!!! What a year it's been. I've done a lot of reflecting the last few weeks on this past year. It's hard to comprehend that i was in rehab about this time a year ago and was going through the DT's not knowing if i was going to be able to make it. I've been truly blessed. I almost lost my father, lost my grandfather, lost a very close friend, and had my sponsor who pretty much saved my life pass away. After fighting my own pride over a failed marriage, i finally accepted the fact that it wasn't meant to be. Both of us are moving on and recovering in our own ways and most importantly are both active parents in raising our son. My son finally has his old laugh back and seems genuinely happy.

My son goes with me to quite a few meetings and since he's only five, we never really discussed exactly what they where for. He overheard someone tell me happy birthday and was very confused since he new my birthday was in April. On the car ride home i tried my best to explain the real reason for the meetings and that some people like me can't drink certain drinks or we get sick and do bad things to which he replied, "Like i do when i eat peanuts." It was so funny, but in his own way he understands.

And I'm able to share all of this with someone who I'm so very much in love with. I never knew what true love was until now. No secrets, no pretending, no thinking they'll change, just honest acceptance of each other and loving them for just the way they are.

I can attribute where I'm at to three things, my god, my program and group, and my old sponsor who finally got through to me and walked me through all 12 steps. I now sponsor others and I love to be able to give back what was given to me.

2007-11-14T06:23:00.000-08:00

Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 wolves."One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Someone shared this in our meeting the other day. This really hits home for me today. Lately i've had to make some very difficult decisions that i've had to pray over for help. Every action and decision needs to stay in the good, but sometimes seeing what is good can be very difficult through my clouded judegement. The more i pray the clearer the decisions become.

2007-11-07T06:33:00.000-08:00

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

I love this quote, it's where i'm at today. I'm so grateful for everything sobriety has brought me. I have a solid job, (even new offers on the table), a son who adores me, my family back in my life (messed up as they are, but that's ok), a roof over my head, food on the table, my ex that is letting me help raise our son, my faith, my home group, and mostly for bringing someone in my life that compliments me and everything that i hold close. Most of my life i've thought that opposites attract and time and time again i've been proven wrong, unfortunately at the expense of myself and the other partner at the time. I have found someone now that I have so much in common with it amazes me everyday. We share the same beliefs, have the same goals, have the same defects, and even the same good qualities. Sometimes it can be overwhelming but i know it's exactly how it was meant to be. I'm trying to stay out of fear of what i might lose and instead have faith that everything will turn out exactly as planned. In the mean time, i'm enjoying every day for what it is.

2007-10-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

If someone would have told me a year ago that by letting go of everything i hold dearly in my life that i would get so much back in return i would have said they where crazy. I was beaten to a point that the only option was to let go of all my worries, wants, and problems and finally let God have it all. I can't believe where I am today. I am so grateful for everything and everyone i have in my life. I never could have planned things to work out as they have, and sometimes it can be overwhelming. It's hard to live day by day when things are good cause my mind tends to run and plan everything 10yrs down the road, but my track record at planning is pretty poor, so for now i'm just taking things as they come and enjoying every day.

2007-10-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

Life acquires meaning when we face the conflict between our desires and reality.

Deng Ming-Dao

2007-10-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

I've been learning a lot about myself by watching others around me go through issues which in the past would have driven "us" to drink. One of the hardest things to do is to accept change. When it is forced upon you, you only have to adjust, but when you willingly decide to make a major change regarding work, love, or family it recquires a huge leap of faith. Too many of us have had lowered standards and just dealt with situations as they come to us rather than taking charge of our destiny and using our true talents to the best of their abilities. If god gave us talents, then to not use them would be like throwing away a present from our parents at christmas right in front of them. Some people have so much talent and never have the opportunity to see where it can take them, and others are too afraid to make that leap of faith, but others do take that chance and even though it is scary, it's amazing to watch. Someone I love very much is going through this now. It's exciting and scary at the same time. Putting it all on the line for your dreams is something I wish i had the courage to do, but I know that it would be too much too soon in my recent sobriety. So for now it's fun to be help and encourage and be a part of someone else's dream. I have so much to be thankful for today...

1.Getting to spend the last 2 days with my son

2.Seeing how loved my sponsor was

3.Having the support of my friends and family

4.Not wanting to drink in what seems like forever

To laugh and to love.....

2007-10-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything. Napoleon Hill

During the memorial service last night something everyone said about my sponsor made me realize how my priorities have changed because of his influence in my life. In the past i was a miserable, depressed, and angry person. This has changed so much in the past few months. I have been happier than ever before and have learned to laugh again and enjoy all of the little things in my life. All i desire for myself is to love and to laugh. I've never considered myself a "happy" person, but again it's one of the many changes that others around me see that sometimes i don't. Laughter is one of the greatest gifts because it's contagious. It's something that affects everyone around you and makes you smile inside and out. To be able to share this with someone else is the greatest gift, and i'm so grateful and blessed to have that person today.

LAUGH

2007-10-16T06:32:00.000-07:00

“I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry.” Cat Stevens

Tonight is the funeral for my sponsor. I'm ready to get some closure on this and hopefully begin to move on in my head. Seeing him at the hospital as often as i was the first week and a half was almost more than i could take. Just like everything in sobriety, i needed to feel that pain to effectively learn from it. I have more respect for my sponsor than any other person in my life. He told someone close to me that he would walk through hell with me to save my life, and that he did. When i relapsed after a month in the program he was right there by my side during my time in treatment. When i thought i was going to lose my job and my marriage he was there again not to coddle, but just to be a presence and an example so i could borrow his strength and faith when i had none. He wasn't only a great teacher of the program and principles, but he was a dear friend who gladly give his time, experience, faith, and mostly love to anyone that would let him in. I truly am grateful and honored that i was the last sponsee that he took all the way through the steps. I'm deffinetly sad that he's gone, but i know that he was ready to go. He's left an incredible group of guys that will carry the message to help others as we were helped.

2007-10-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately nothing has really changed regarding my sponsor. He's still hanging in there and they are waiting to try to do the surgery on his aorta. Since i've stopped going down to the hospital so much i feel a sense of peace finally. Going down there so much wasn't very healthy for me. Other than that it's amazing how intently focussing on putting one foot in front of the other and not obsessing about things can get you through tough times with the help of God. A lot of other INCREDIBLE things have happened this week. It's funny how it's when you least expect it that the best things happen.

2007-10-09T05:39:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been bitter sweet, so much going on i've just went back to basics and just started to look to god and prayer more than ever. Things havne't really changed much with my sponsor. They still haven't been able to do anything with his heart, but the swelling in his brain did go down so that is a deffinite improvement. I stayed away yesterday from the hospital for the first time in a while as it is simply too much right now. All i can do is pray and i'll probably wait to go down for a couple more days. This has been the biggest lesson in acceptance i've had to face in my sobriety and it's taken me a few days, but i finally feel at ease with whatever may happen.

I can relate to Vic's post about personal about outpouring SOOOoooo well. I tend to vomit my emotions on those around me especially when i'm hurt or angry. Recently i've noticed i can do this when nothing is wrong and yet i still outpour my emotions on them. Thank god i haven't messed anything up yet. It's good when you can look back with someone and laugh at how stupid and childish we tend to be. I'm in a very serene place today and am so grateful for everything and everyone that god has put in my life

:)

2007-10-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been awhile since i've posted. I don't feel like sharing in meetings, i don't feel like sharing here, and i generally just don't feel like doing shit soooo....as my sponsor always used to tell me when i absolutely don't feel like sharing, it means that I absolutely have too.
Sunday afternoon we got a phone call from a friend letting us know that my sponsor (a man as close to me as my father) was involved in a motorcycle wreck while on a charity bike ride (how fucking ironic.) A car hit another car which was stopped and pushed it out into the line of bikes. One rider died instantly and my sponsor was airlifted to the hospital. He died on the way there but they where able to bring him back. He's undergone several surgeries. They had to remove his spleen and one of his kidneys. He has a shattered pelvis, broken arm, and torn aorta. Because he can't stay stabilized without assistance of machines, they aren't able to go in and repair the aorta. He's still open from the surgery to his pelvis and organs, and is nothing pretty to look at but he's still fighting.
I know in my head that i'm powerless over the outcome, but i'm really struggling with acceptance of the situation again. It's so hard to see someone who's been there whenever i needed anything and basically saved my life, lay there helpless fighting for his own life. I'm so fucking pissed and hurt right now its driving me crazy. I can feel myself seeking comfort in people and things that i know i shouldn't be, and i'm not, but i feel like i'm skating on thin ice. I asked one of the founders of our group, someone who's been in the program for around 30years to be my temporary sponsor cause i can feel i need it right now. Prayer is helping, but i need more than that right now, I need someone to be brutally honest with me about what i'm thinking and doing so i come out of this (whatever the outcome) stronger than before. I never truly understood the term "misdirected hostility" until now. My hurt is a dangerous thing, when i'm not careful it can come out at anyone close to me in the form of anger or rage. On the opposite end of the spectrum but equally as dangerous is how I can latch on to others for comfort.

I'll get out of my high chair now, i just have so much swirling through my head and heart and i'm not getting much relief no matter what i do. I haven't felt this kind of pain EVER and I'm just working on putting one foot in front of the other. I know what the right thing to do is. I pray nonstop to be able to accept the fact that God has my sponsor in his hand and if it's his time then he's more than ready. The power of this program and the work my sponsor did with me amazes me that i'm able to even type this right now. The old me would either be drunk somewhere or curled up in my bed, but a drink hasn't even crossed my mind, and I'm still able to juggle work and visitations at the hospital to be with him and his family and our friends.

Please say a prayer, his name is ken and he needs all the help he can get.....

2007-09-26T05:45:00.000-07:00

This morning on my way to drop my son off at daycare he asks me something out of the blue which floored me. "Daddy, when are you moving back in with mommy?" OUCH.... We've spoken many times about this already and i had thought he was starting to understand, but obviously it hasn't completely set in. That conversation is the hardest thing I've ever had to talk about to him. It's so hard to pretend that I'm ok with it and i think it's for the best. In my head i know its' for the best but yet in my heart i still have hope i guess. Seeing him turn away and seeing his eyes water up as i try to explain to him hurts me so much. Nothing is worse than seeing someone that you love so much in pain and knowing that you really can't do anything to make him feel better. I pray that none of this affects him, I pray that his pain goes away, and I pray that he is able to heal....

Today i'm trying really hard to be grateful, but i'm trying to deal with all this anger i still have, mostly anger at my ex and myself. I hate the choices that codependent people make, I hate things that active alcoholics do to the people around them, I hate this fucking disease and everything about it.

I'm grateful that i get to pick up my son tonight, that my ex and myself are both growing and healing, that i have friends i can call for help and support, and that I have no desire whatsoever to drink over this.

2007-09-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

I've really been having a hard time the last few days. I'm not wanting to drink or angry or pissed about anything, i just want more. For some reason i feel myself falling back into that mindset that nothing is ever enough. Women, Work, and Wealth are and i guess will always be to some extent my issues that i'm never satisfied with and always want more of. Today i'm working hard on giving all of this up to God and accepting the fact that i cannot control any of it. I think i need to get back to keeping things simple so i'm going to focus on my prayer and meditation and remember what I'm grateful for.
1.My son
2.The peace i feel when connected to my higher power
3.A job that pays the bills
4.Friends who accept me for who i am and not who i was
5.A sponsor who listens
6.My cabin
7.My dog
8.The little moments each day :)

2007-09-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

I was making room on my camera this weekend and came accross these two pictures i thought i'd share. I love the top one, hard to believe that was taken in Georgia! If my bearings are correct that was facing west towards alabama taken from somewhere in the north georgia mountains, near a little town called Talking Rock.

The picture of Clay is one of my absolute favorite. We where playing on the swing outside at my cabin and the look on his face is priceless. Whenever i feel down that's the smile i think of....

2007-09-11T05:38:00.000-07:00

I wasn't planning on going to our 8:00 meeting last night, but i ended up sticking around for some reason and i'm so glad i did. It was yet another one of those "god moments" where i'm not expecting anything but i end up hearing/seeing something that blows my mind.

A friend i've known for a while shared her story last night and i was absolutely floored. I've often heard "my story" in bits and pieces in other men in the program, but hearing her share really hit home for me. It was like looking in a mirror. I've NEVER heard any other person as similar to my own, from childhood, all the way up to issues in sobriety. It brought up a lot of memories and pain from my childhood i'd either forgotten or purposfully pushed down. Even though i didn't share a word, I slept better than i have in months. Lately i have felt that i haven't been able to relate to alot of the people in the program and i know this is just in my own head. I really needed to hear that last night and be able to relate so closely to get me back in the proper frame of mind. I'M NOT UNIQUE DAMNIT!!! (as much as i want to be sometimes) The more i accept this, the more i get out of AA. I'm able to relate to what others have to say and get more out of going to the meetings. Thank god for this program and that it's progress and not perfection!!

2007-09-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it into a teapot it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.

by Bruce Lee

I came across a couple of quotes from Bruce Lee recently and this one really stuck out. As i've shared before, i'm really focusing on living in the moment and trying not to have any expectations. (mostly regarding my personal and work life) Simply "going with the flow" everyday is so much easier than what i used to do. I used to spend hours planning everything regarding the people, places, and things in my life. I would worry myself sick over all of the perceived "problems" in my life, then usually get upset and start to drink when things didn't happen the way i planned. I still have goals, the difference is that i don't try to plan every step of the way to get there. If i just simply do the next right thing in all of my affairs and have faith that my God will take care of me, I'm truly able to enjoy each day. When i'm not stuck in my head worrying about every little thing, I can enjoy all of the little things in my life that i took for granted for so long. It used to take a huge event for me to feel joy like a big bonus at work, a promotion, or some other event usually involving money. Today, by staying out of my own head, i feel the most joy by little things like sunshine on a warm day, my son's goofy smile, holding his hand walking through the parking lot, or seeing a cardinal while sitting on my porch.

2007-09-05T08:16:00.001-07:00

Kent Nerburn:
Until you have a son of your own... you will never know the joy, the love beyond feeling that resonates in the heart of a father as he looks upon his son. You will never know the sense of honor that makes a man want to be more than he is and to pass something good and hopeful into the hands of his son. And you will never know the heartbreak of the fathers who are haunted by the personal demons that keep them from being the men they want their sons to be.

This quote really hits home for me. My son and i spent all weekend in North Carolina digging and panning for gems with my own father. It was interesting to see the differences between myself as a father and my own father to me. My dad never drank, never cursed, was always calm, and was always there for me when i needed him. In my son's early years was pretty much nonexistent, drunk, and my emotions and attitude was out of control. I've caused so much damage because of my drinking that i'm truly blessed to even have my son in my life at all. My father started to cry when he tried to tell me how he felt he was never around for me and how he wishes he was as close to me then as i am know with Clay. I guess every parent feels they always should/could be better.

Today i'm grateful for 2nd chances.
1.AA giving me the opportunity for a new life
2.That its about progress and not perfection
3.An exwife that has enough faith to allow me to be a father
4.A son that knows what i've done and who i am but doesn't care
5.That god never left my life, i just closed my eyes
6.And lastly that my dog didn't run away while we were gone

(I'll put up some pictures of our find tonight)

2007-08-27T09:39:00.001-07:00

A good friend of mine said something to me that i'm still trying to wrap my head around. I told him how worn out i feel lately because my work and personal life aren't where i want them to be, financially i'm ok but not where i need to be, and working my program in AA seems to be tiring me also. he said......

you feel so worn out cause your still trying to fix yourself. You have a new life in you that is already whole. ask God to give you a revelation of the Christ life in you

My higher power is God, and even though i was raised in a church i completely pushed him away until 8 months ago. My religious foundation is akin to a kid riding a bike with training wheels right now. I always feel connected however lately it's been harder to stay there. I guess it goes back to the pain thing. I'm not comfortable right now, but i'm deffinetly not in any major pain. When i'm suffering through pain, then the comfort i get from prayer is huge, but when i'm in the middle of the road it doesn't seem to have the same affect. Rather than waiting for the pain to come to i'm trying to focus on more prayer than ever and hopefully that will get me closer lift my spirits out of the funk i'm in.

2007-08-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

So last night i did go to the big meeting and it was great. I thought my reservations where unfounded AND THEN....sure enough as i was leaving and in my car i get a phone call from someone telling me gossip about one of my dear friends. I told them i didn't want to hear it, i'm sick of people running their mouths about things they don't understand or have any clue about. Even when i distance myself from them somehow they still find a way to try to bring me back in their gossiping. My sponsor says i need to not let it get to me, so i'm praying for the acceptance that this stuff will happen and hopefully by me telling these people that i don't ever want to participate in their gossiping they will stop telling me this stuff. In the past i would have loved to hear the juicy stuff, but now i'm focused on recovery and I don't want to be distracted by this petty stuff. (most of which isn't true anyways)

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. ~Jewish Proverb
Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you. ~Spanish Proverb

(I really like the second proverb, i've found it to be so true)

2007-08-21T08:46:00.000-07:00

Lately i find i have no patience for other people. I keep finding myself getting frustrated and quick to judge because i either don't like other people are saying or i'm tired of them doing the same things over and over and not growing. Example in point...Our meeting have gotten HUGE lately, sometimes near 100 people. It seems like i keep hearing the same thing from the same people and seeing these same people go back out. I'm trying to focus on my own recovery but the meetings have gotten so large sometimes it seems as though a lot of people in there are more interested in the social aspect of it more than recovery. A few of us started going to a smaller meeting. I know that this is my problem and i need to not let the politics/gossiping of that goes on get to me, but sometimes it can be hard. I'm still walking a very narrow beam of serentiy and it doesn't take much to get me swaying to one side or the other. It's the same thing with people outside of the program. I try to be patient and not get frustrated when people don't behave the way "I" expect, however again this can be hard also. I'm trying to focus on acceptance today to deal with all this and by accepting i have no control over others I know it will be easier. (Easier said than done sometimes)
Today i'm grateful for:
1.Having almost a full week last week with my son exploring museums
2.Awesome friends that understand who i am
3.An understanding and loving sponsor
4.A boss who tries desperately to understand me
5.The sense that i'm beginning to understand AA
6.The be ability to accept that i don't have to understand anything!!

2007-08-13T07:31:00.000-07:00

For some reason the last few weeks i've been stuck in my head. I have been letting myself obsess about things i have no control over. I haven't changed my routine, i'm still doing my amends, and i've been praying more than ever. My sponsor tells me i'm not used to the middle of the road feeling and that i'm used to extreme highs and extreme lows. I guess i should be greatful to feel this way (indifferent or numb) considering everything that has been going on. This last week we sold our house and finished moving everything out. That was a pretty painful process, but several months ago the pain would have been unbearable. I've also been going through ups and downs with relationships that i haven't had to deal with in many years. Again, I'm thankful for the help of the program and the growth in myself to be able to work through all this without drinking or becoming a sobbing fool, however this middle of the road feeling is also just as difficult to deal with. It's like i keep expecting for something huge to happen that will swing the pendulum one way or the other. It's what I've been used to for many years and now i'm having to learn how to live without it. Sorry for the rant, but it's been a while since i've posted anything of real importance to me and i just needed to get some of that off my chest. WHEWWWW......

2007-08-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

I've been swamped lately and haven't had a chance to write anything, I promise i will soon, but here is something funny i was read recently.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I've Got Worms ".

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you..

2007-07-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967)

I absolutely love this quote, could be my new favorite. I've had a pretty rough day already so i figured i need to just think of what i'm grateful for.
1.spending the weekend with my son
2.seeing friends pick up 1yr birthday chips
3.sitting on the porch in the rain
4.getting a new couch and love seat for the cabin
5.feeling the presence of god when i need it
6.friends and family to help me when I need them
7.a sponsor who keeps me honest with myself

2007-07-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

(thought this pix was cool especially since cardinals mate for life)

I am clearing out old confusion and doubt so that I can see the miracles today...

by Ruth Fishel

Last night i was able to fully see the miracles that come with working the program 110%. I've moved all of my stuff into my cabin (though most isn't put in it's proper place yet) My son and i hung out all evening. We went window shopping, to a meeting, hiking up a mountain, then watched a movie. I'm just trying to keep up with him, the energy of a 4 1/2 yr old is AMAZING. Later that evening, when he had gone to bed, i sat on the swing on my porch talking to a friend for hours just listening to the rain and thunder. Tonight we have our meeting that's held in an open air chapel on the shore of a lake here in GA, and i'll probably take my fishing poles to fish a little while before the meeting starts and then go watch a movie afterwards.

BACK TO THE FUTURE...sitting in my bedroom, drinking vodka on the rocks, isolated from everyone and everything, and not looking forward to anything other than relief from pain and misery.

I truly feel blessed, in so many ways. In just 7 months my life has changed so much. I don't have the things i thought i wanted 7 months ago, but I have more than i could ever hope for right now.

Reminds me of those old t-shirts with the stick figure of the Jamaican guy that said "Life is Good." lol

2007-07-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them. ~James Fallows

I'm writing letters this morning. In my 7 months of sobriety i've never had problems dealing with anger until today. I can take alot of insult and shit (pardon my french), but there is a line. I hate the fact sometimes that i can't hate. The kid in me wants to roll up the sleeves and kick someones ass, but then reality sets in.

What good will this do? Create another person to make amends to....Possibly push someone who needs serious help away even further....

So during my tenth step last night i put in my assets column "restraint of fists and tongue" and in the liabilities side "let anger control my thoughts." I did what my sponsor always says, pray for the sick. I find praying for people i distain very difficult, but it's getting better. Progress not perfection.

2007-07-20T05:38:00.000-07:00

Today I am reaching out to those who love and support me. I am letting go of my ego and self-centeredness so that I can make space to take in love and support and ideas from others.

- by Ruth Fishel

Last night was probably the best meeting that we've had (at least in my experience) in quite some time. Thursday evenings we meet in an open air chapel on the shore of a lake here in Georgia. The timing is perfect, as right when we are getting to sharing, the sun is setting (i'll remember to take pix next time.) The topic revolved around the importance of prayer and calling other people in times of need, and even when you don't feel the need. Somebody brought up the old idea of being able to eat an elephant as long you take in one bite at a time. I needed to hear that, with my divorce almost over the last major task involved getting house packed up, cleaned up, and everything out. UUUUUuuuugggghhhhhh...... Add to that the family members visiting still that i have to make time to spend time with and going to meetings, i feel overwhelmed. One bite at a time....

A Hug

2007-07-19T09:53:00.000-07:00

A Hug
It's wondrous what a hug can do.
A hug can cheer you when you're blue.

A hug can say, "I love you so,"
or, "Gee, I hate to see you go!"

A hug is "Welcome back again!"
And "Great to see you!" or, "Where've you been?"

A hug can soothe a small child's pain,
And bring a rainbow after rain.

The hug! There's just no doubt about it,
We scarcely could survive without it!

A hug delights and warms and charms.
It must be why God gave us arms.

Hugs are great for Fathers and Mothers,
Sweet for Sisters, swell for Brothers,

And chances are some favorite aunts
Love them more than potted plants.

Kittens crave them, puppies love them,
And Heads of State are not above them.

A hug can break the language barrier.
And make the dullest day seem merrier.

No need to fret about the store of 'em,
The more you give the more there are of 'em.

So stretch those arms without delay,
And give someone a Big Hug today!
Author Unknown

Last night at our meeting a good friend of mine who we haven't seen in a week or two came back to the group. Barely able to walk straight, bloodshot eyes, and foaming at the mouth he picked up another white chip. The desperation and hopelessness in his voice when he shared reminded everyone in the group that alcohol is always calling, always waiting for the moment of weakness to attack and bring you down. This alcoholic we thought was very spiritually fit, however his mistake was not calling anyone in a moment of weakness. Not knowing what to say, the only thing i could was hug him to let him know it would be ok. At least he came back....

2007-07-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

Today i read a quote that struck me as hillarious...

"GURU: One who knows more jargon than you."

This weekend was incredible. I've felt for a week or so that I've had a hard time keeping my Serenity. My son and I spent the last few days with relatives i haven't seen in years at my folks new house in the Georgia mountains. Their house has a moutain stream that wraps around with a huge porch and hot tub. Being able to sit with my son and listen to nature and the stream really got me back where i needed to be. The house is located right around the corner from http://www.gastateparks.org/info/amicalola/ .

I was able to spend some quality time alone with my son. Every hour or so he would grab a stick and put his jeans on and grab me yelling "Let's go exploring!!" Hard to keep up with his energy, but i can't put into words the amusement and joy he brought to my day.

THE LITTLE THINGS!!!!

2007-07-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Most of the oldtimers agree not to make any major life changes during the first year of sobriety. I know that we cannot prevent events from happening, but what do you do when faced with life changes that you can play a hand in. Are there certain times when changing jobs is acceptable? Is it possible to enter into a new relationship without it affecting your program? Sometimes i feel like Adam and Eve in the garden of good and evil being tempted by the forbidden fruit. I like to think my program and faith is strong enough that i could handle any situation. I mean, i've already been through so much already and it's always made me stronger. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

One day at a time

2007-07-06T11:00:00.001-07:00

I'm so happy, yesterday i picked up my 6month chip. I never thought id see this day. But now that i have it, i'm having a had time staying in the day to day mode. I keep catching myself looking down the road for 9 months and 1year. When i think of that it starts to get overwhelming all over again. Uggghhhh, why can't anything be simple. I don't know what has changed in my head but it's really annoying. Today is a good day, a great day, and i need to stay grateful.

Today i'm grateful for:
1. patiens deus
2. sol solis quod luna quod divum
3. decorus amicitia in meus vita
4. licentia
5. rabidus prosapia pro suum succurro
6. a novus minimus in vita per meus filius

2007-07-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

Serenity, what a wonderful thing. The last few days have been incredible. I almost feel like a little kid again. Part of me is scared that something will bring everything crashing down, but i'm learning to live in the moment and not worry about what "will be"

It is what it is and it will be what it will be.. :)

weekend to myself

2007-07-02T08:28:00.000-07:00

For the first time in years i was able to have a few days to myself to think, work on my program, and hang out with new friends. Thanks to everyone :) for putting things into perspective and showing me how this will and is going to be the best thing for my son and I.
Today I'm grateful for:
1.Rasberry Frappucinnos
2.A patient god
3.Friends to be back in town
4.The smell of shampoo on my son's hair
5.A sponsor who tells me like it is
6.Rainy days

Through the eyes of a child

2007-06-29T05:09:00.000-07:00

In learning to live a sober life i notice how much I have a new outlook on life around me. Little things i took for granted in the past now have a profound impact on me and my feelings. As i see my son experience new things (first baseball game here,) I see the same look that I feel i have dealing with each new situation and the corresponding emotions without the numbing effect that alcohol had in the past. It's scary and thrilling at the same time. This weekend I'm thankful to have an empty house to spend some time getting to know myself and learning to live in my own skin. I want to learn to enjoy the quiet moments and when i can't take it anymore I plan on going to meetings and hanging out with my sponsor.

Big green monster of jealousy

2007-06-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

One of my son's Bearenstein Bears books is about the Big Green Monster of Jealousy. Last night i had horrible dreams about my STBX being with another man and my son having another father. The sting of my wife being with another man will lessen as time goes (i keep telling myself) but the thought of my son looking up to another man kills me. I wish i could fall out of love my wife sometimes, to lessen the pain. Maybe then the jealousy i feel would be easier to deal with, probably not though. I've never been good at letting go and I still love every woman i've been with to some degree. In the past when i've broken off relationships I've always removed myself 100% from the person and situation so i could heal without having to physically see the person. This will be different, because of our son we will have to see each other and interact.

If anyone has any advice on how to go from being in love with someone to just friends please let me know. I've been spending as much time as possible with people in my group for support, but there is still an empty void that prayer doens't seem to help with either.

Today i'm thankful that i can see my jealous tendencies and put them in check before they become an issue...VERY THANKFULL

2007-06-27T10:24:00.001-07:00

2007-06-27T07:17:00.000-07:00

During a conversation recently, my wife said she couldn't remember any good times we had during our 6 year marriage. This stung me pretty bad. Only wanting to show her that we had many good times along with the bad I proceeded to make a list of what came to mind. I read this to her Monday night and both of us had a good stroll down memory lane.

In hindsight I see that I expected more of a reaction from her, I wanted her to say "Your right, he had so many good times, I'm being ridiculous, let's stop this insanity and work on our marriage." I was taking everything back, completely lost my serenity, and began to direct the play. I spent the rest of the night arguing back and forth about how what she was doing was wrong and how she was hurting me and my son and breaking up our family. My hurt turned into anger (huge character defect) and I made some comments i wish i had not.

I went to bed that night pretty upset and the next morning during my prayers and after talking to her I noticed how much room i still have to grow as a person. I have made so much progress (i notice my defect even if it's a day later and made ammends right away) but I still have much work to do to be where i want to be a as a person.

Today i'm focusing on trying to recognize my defects of character before as they come up instead of after, and I'm grateful for my friends in AA, my sponsor especially.

Man's best friend...

2007-06-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

For some reason this weekend i spent a lot of time with dogs, both mine and my sponsors. I noticed that while i've been focusing on my program and this chaos at home, I haven't given near as much attention to my dog buster (above) that i should have. Much like my AA group my dog has been my rock through many rough times. Much like the group, even when you go out, or don't show up as often, they always welcome you back with open arms.

I had a pretty rough couple of days. I lost my serenity when I let my soon to be ex's actions get me depressed. I have to remind myself that to "normal" people, a little white lie isn't a big deal when they do it to spare someone's feelings. For an alcoholic though any lie is a big deal. Usually i can get back on the beam pretty quickly, but my feelings where hurt pretty bad and i was off the beam big time, no matter how many meetings i went to, or how much i prayed. Thankfully she sat down with me and we had the first real/productive conversation we've had in months. Not only did we clear the air about this recent issue, but also talked about the custody concerns both of us have. We didn't come to any conclusion on it, but at least we both have a better understanding of what we feel is best and why which is progress. PROGRESS IS GOOD

2007-06-22T05:06:00.000-07:00

And acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. - Pg. 417 - 4th. Edition - Personal Stories - Acceptance Was The Answer

Today i accept the fact that I have no control over the events in my life. I am focusing on becoming closer to my higher power and letting him show me what he wants me to do. The more i try to meddle with his plans, the more chaos in my mind i create. When i "roll with the punches" and live the day just for the day I enjoy the little moments that i never noticed during my drinking days. Someone told me once that life is made up a bunch of little moments. I accept the fact that i missed many of these moments with my son during his first few years and am learning to let go of the regret. Part of my living amends to him will be to capture as many of these moments and share them with you all and him on this blog once he is old enough to understand.

Have a great weekend all!!!

2007-06-18T09:15:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm amazed at the encouragement and comments to my last post, thank you so much to everyone, it's so nice to have this support online like i find in my AA clubhouse.

I thought i'd add a pix of my son since i've talked about him so much and my life is devoted to him. What a cute guy, i'm so proud!!! I spent all weekend with him looking for new homes for myself and my parents. Thankfully I have their support as they said they can see the changes i've made in my life the last 6months. I almost cried when they told me how proud they where that i've finally gotten control of my life. I've said it a million times, Thank god for god and AA!!! I still don't want this divorce to happen but i accept the fact that I have no control over her or our situation, but it's a huge weight off of my shoulders to know that i will be financially better off. Now I can focus all of my attention where it needs to be, on spending time raising my son and working on my program in AA.

2007-06-15T06:31:00.000-07:00

Woke up today with my son sleeping next to me, what a beautiful sight. With fathers day coming up i have a moment to reflect on my own changes. I'm so grateful for AA to allow me to still be here and sober to enjoy this moment. I'm also a little sad knowing that these moments will be less and less as my wife and I have filed for divorce. My joy immediately turns to anger and resentment for her unwillingness to change and try to work on our family. Right away i breathe and remember i cannot control her and have to let her hit her own bottom (untreated Alanon) and can't get into someone else's issues. If we didn't have our son it would be so easy to walk away, but it sucks to know that you've made the changes someone has begged of you and are becoming the man she's always "said" she wanted and now she wants to call it quits. I want to make a living amends to my son for not being a good father the first few years of his life and now that i can and am doing it, i feel like she's taking that opportunity away from me. I know i'm sounding like a broken record here. It's hard to let this go completely and put it in god's hands. I keep have to keep reminding myself not to take it back and stay focused on the long run and in the mean time, keep enjoying these little moments like waking up with my son next to me.

2007-06-14T09:41:00.001-07:00

almost 6 months sober and losing a 6 year marriage.

yesterday was a good day, today not so much. i still want to make this work but realize it won't. i keep thinking if my wife would only try to work on our marriage as much as i did on getting sober that it coulnd't fail. part of me is pissed that i put forth the effort to quit drinking and she won't do the same for the sake of our family and son. unfortunately my drinking history caused so much damage she doesn't feel she can ever get over it or just doesn't care enough to now. so i'm angry, depressed, confused, and scared today. some days praying doesn't seem to give me much relief and today is one of those days. i'm afraid to listen to a sad song on the radio or read any bad news for fear of breaking down into tears. i wish this would all be over and i could be transported to a faraway happy place. i find my strength right now in my son and in AA rooms. without the support of being able to share with fellows i'd really be a wreck.

i'm still learning to live in my own skin comfortably and sometimes the thought of being alone is too much to bear. it scares me more than anything. i'll always love my STBX and i'm trying to make sure i don't say or do anything to lose her as a best friend. one of my biggest character defects is being vengeful and saying mean/nasty things and sometimes it's all i can do to keep this out of me and with god.

I miss my family already...I miss the quiet times watching TV together....I miss driving home looking forward to undressing and relaxing on the couch with her...I miss being able to call her to talk about nothing just to hear her voice.

Today it hurts...

2007-06-13T06:54:00.000-07:00

I'm at a turning point today. I feel like some of my pain, sadness, and anxiety is being at least equalled by hope, relief, and happiness. For months i have fought to save my marriage after becoming sober but it simply will not work. My wife has too many issues with our past to be able to move on. Deep down inside i still hope and wish that she would see the changes and give us another try, but i can't force her to do something she isn't willing to. Now my only concern is making this somehow happen with as little impact on our son as possible.

I have faith in god to watch over us and take us through this to a better place.

2007-06-06T05:10:00.001-07:00

You must be prepared to make some unpopular decisions when you live by principle. You will not be able to please everyone. Be firm with others as you chose the principle and not the personality; be firm with your personality as it butts heads with your principles.

2007-05-31T05:15:00.000-07:00

It’s not your Higher Power’s Will that makes you miserable. It’s your resistance to HP’s Will that causes the damage. Turning it over will set you right again.God’s will is when I turn it over. Self-will is when I’ve over turned it.

2007-05-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

God I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always!

I have been living in a very awkward place, with someone who isn't at the point i am and isn't sure whether to continue with our family. I know that because of my past I've put them through more than most people could ever put up with, but to want to give up now that i've changed and we are at a turning point is a painful and scary thought. I don't mind being the only one in this relationship trying right now and i understand that my love is not going to be reciprocated, however it's very draining. To love someone and not have any affection back is so painful at times. I pray every hour for strength, courage, and faith to continue to do what is right. I'm still fairly new to the changes i've made and with giving my WHOLE life to god. When i keep my problems and worries with him i feel so good, so at peace and happy, but sometimes when my mind starts to go crazy i can feel myself trying to run the show, and that's what i try to stay away from since i've messed every show up in my past pretty good. Today I'm praying for courage and wisdom to be able to do what is right and know when to say the right things and when to keep my mouth shut.

2007-05-29T05:24:00.001-07:00

A little kid will take your hand and enjoy whatever happens. How did I get from being that little kid to believing that I was the Chairman of the Universe?

2007-05-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - That One is God. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a Program of Recovery:1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a)
That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b)
That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c)
That God could and would if He were sought.

Alcoholics Anonymous [Big Book], 4th edition

2007-05-22T07:54:00.001-07:00

Mistakes…we all make them, some big, some little. Errors in judgement, poor decisions, bad timing, whatever you call them it’s always the same result. Somebody gets their feelings hurt. How do you fix that, an apology, a promise to never do it again? Words are only words yet actions don’t do any good because the other person is unwilling or unable to see what you’ve done to correct the situation. So what do you do?

2007-05-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Where do i start, i guess the beginning.