Financial insecurity

"It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity..."

My biggest issue, always and still, has been worrying over money. Just when I thought I was doing better I get tested in every way you could imagine. I have been praying lately for God to help me with my patience (I had meant with others around me in the program) but I had no idea the extent of which I would be tested. Sometimes you get more than what you wish for. Today was a REALLY bad day, thank God it's almost over and I can start over now and tomorrow. Sometimes I forget that this is a program which is one day at a time with EVERYTHING in my life, and not just alcohol. He didn't bring me this far just to drop me on my a..s and i have to remember that.

Someone shared in a meeting tonight an interesting way to look at the first three steps.

1.I can't

2.He can

3.I'll let him

That really hit home for me. Too bad the "I'll let him" had to be learned after being beat into a state of submission, but as with most things in my life, i had to learn the hard way. Giving up my will and my life seemed easy, at least the part of giving up my life anyway. I had been giving my life up to whatever drug i could find or any bottle of liquor i could get my hands on. I had trusted the care of my life to complete strangers driving me around and trusting in them to get me home, sometimes in strange cities on the other side of the country. What was the problem in giving my life up to god then? It was the other part of the sentence that i fought tooth and nail. Giving up my will was the hardest thing i have done in this program. How ridiculous it seems in hindsight because of course my will was always better than what God could do for me right??? All of my plans had worked out so perfectly...

It's good to be able to look back and laugh and it's deffinetly work everyday to not take my will back, so thank god it's progress and not perfection and i can start the day over whenever i want.

Back from vacation

It's been a while, just got back from vacation, the first sober vacation i've had in YEARS. Kind of nice to sit on the beach without a pounding headache and smelling alcohol on you from the night before. So relaxing to get away from work and everything else and spend time with my fiancee and family. What a 180 life has taken in the last year. Truly blessed. I'm going to post more but for now just wanted to put up some pix we took before i forget. I cant' post anymore from work anymore, so it has to be done in the evenings at home and i usually forget or don't have time.

It's been a long time since I've posted, so much has happened in the last couple of months. I can't really post at work anymore and I'm in the process of moving so i won't have my internet back on at home till next week. I'm at a friends house and since i was online i figured i'd take advantage and post.

I finally got a year sober January 5th!!! What a year it's been. I've done a lot of reflecting the last few weeks on this past year. It's hard to comprehend that i was in rehab about this time a year ago and was going through the DT's not knowing if i was going to be able to make it. I've been truly blessed. I almost lost my father, lost my grandfather, lost a very close friend, and had my sponsor who pretty much saved my life pass away. After fighting my own pride over a failed marriage, i finally accepted the fact that it wasn't meant to be. Both of us are moving on and recovering in our own ways and most importantly are both active parents in raising our son. My son finally has his old laugh back and seems genuinely happy.

My son goes with me to quite a few meetings and since he's only five, we never really discussed exactly what they where for. He overheard someone tell me happy birthday and was very confused since he new my birthday was in April. On the car ride home i tried my best to explain the real reason for the meetings and that some people like me can't drink certain drinks or we get sick and do bad things to which he replied, "Like i do when i eat peanuts." It was so funny, but in his own way he understands.

And I'm able to share all of this with someone who I'm so very much in love with. I never knew what true love was until now. No secrets, no pretending, no thinking they'll change, just honest acceptance of each other and loving them for just the way they are.

I can attribute where I'm at to three things, my god, my program and group, and my old sponsor who finally got through to me and walked me through all 12 steps. I now sponsor others and I love to be able to give back what was given to me.

Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 wolves."One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Someone shared this in our meeting the other day. This really hits home for me today. Lately i've had to make some very difficult decisions that i've had to pray over for help. Every action and decision needs to stay in the good, but sometimes seeing what is good can be very difficult through my clouded judegement. The more i pray the clearer the decisions become.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

I love this quote, it's where i'm at today. I'm so grateful for everything sobriety has brought me. I have a solid job, (even new offers on the table), a son who adores me, my family back in my life (messed up as they are, but that's ok), a roof over my head, food on the table, my ex that is letting me help raise our son, my faith, my home group, and mostly for bringing someone in my life that compliments me and everything that i hold close. Most of my life i've thought that opposites attract and time and time again i've been proven wrong, unfortunately at the expense of myself and the other partner at the time. I have found someone now that I have so much in common with it amazes me everyday. We share the same beliefs, have the same goals, have the same defects, and even the same good qualities. Sometimes it can be overwhelming but i know it's exactly how it was meant to be. I'm trying to stay out of fear of what i might lose and instead have faith that everything will turn out exactly as planned. In the mean time, i'm enjoying every day for what it is.